Last year at this time, I lived beside this overflow at the bottom of the lake and heard this continuous waterfall all of the time.
A few months prior to this, a local male elder died who I had always wished I'd known better.
When Keith died, I had just gotten back in touch with the circle he was affiliated with and so it was a bit unique that I even knew that he had died.
And then, even more unique was that I was welcomed to come to his four day fire and as I sat with his partner the day after he died, she told me stories of how much he had ensured, the day he died, that she had received.
The last thing he had done was to make sure she had received. That he had given.
Keith was a smoker of camel cigarettes and had just bought a carton before he passed. The packs were in a bowl on the table with a sign that said, "Smoke a Camel for Keith."
So I did, that evening, with his partner, a Grandmother, listening to her stories.
There was one cigarette left in a pack and I took it home with me and put it on my altar. I felt I'd smoke it when the time was right.
So there I was, about 4-5 months later, having moved to the wrong place, dealing with petty masculine energy, clearing energy just by the nature of who I am but not really actually winning, and wondering wtf was the point of this continuing to happen when Keith (in Spirit) said, "Get the cigarette."
I knew it was time to smoke it.
I went out to sit in front of the waterfall. It was dusk. I heard him say, "Okay, girl. Are you ready to feel what the masculine really feels like?"
Of course.
What I loved about Keith was that I could feel a truly cultivated masculine heart. He had had a rough start. He could have taken any number of paths. But he had traveled a path of seeking, and to my understanding, with Native traditions and he had become a true elder. I always wished that my son could have known him. I don't know a lot of men like this. He held the duality of life in him, and his heart prevailed. This beautiful, masculine heart.
And so, with the tobacco burning in front of the waterfall, Keith brought me the masculine.
From the left side of the waterfall to the right, the entire waterfall changed color, like a curtain moving over is slowly, as he brought through this transmission of a felt-sense of the true masculine and it washed over my being.
It was so visceral, so rightful, so true. Like feeling what God would show you the masculine is supposed to feel like.
This week, I was grappling with something, likely along the same thread as last year, and this memory came up. I realized that it may have been this exact time, to the day, last year when this happened.
So I worked with tobacco this week. Sometimes in my gridwork I'm guided to put tobacco on the ground or in water, and sometimes I'm guided to work with the smoke of it.
Last week, I was in a situation with this frequency of the Anubian Black Heart on another piece of land (not where I reside, but in this region, and where I was doing some paid work) and had been doing grid/energy work to move the stuck energy there and in the heart network. Related to greed, slavery, elitism, materialism. Women & resources. Land & the feminine. That's my gig.
The energy moved, and then it was time for me to move on.
Last night was the second time I felt the energy of the true masculine, like Keith had shown me.
We seek for this. We hope to find it in one another, in ourselves. So many overlays of separation block us from truly feeling it.
All these years of healing feminine and masculine, of finding and losing Union, of dealing with the realities of feminine extraction and wondering if I'm even strong enough to continue sometimes... all these years of intending to help feminine and masculine dynamics, of traversing every lesson or dynamic I encountered and then reaching a point of being less and less interested in talking about the same old things, wondering if we're really talking about anything at all....
Something about the middle of May, and the Spirit of an Elder, tobacco and the activation of the true Heart, the Unified Heart, is bringing me back.
I can't feel this masculine essence when I look around at most men. I'm just being honest. There's so much performative energy either with their money and provision (or lack thereof) or their spiritual confusion. I can't feel most men. And I don't feel honored by most men. I feel wanted, but not honored for the whole of what I've cultivated. I feel that I've been here, waiting, for men to stop spinning and dancing and performing for themselves and everyone else, and be ready to actually learn from and with women. The ones that are, we're having a really authentic, beautiful time. And I don't give energy to the rest.
I've allowed this to impact my heart. I've allowed the way I became guarded to attempts to extract from my feminine (my fertile ground, my Land) and just came to expect it.
What has that done to my own heart? (All this is occurring over week 7 of the Re*Source group, of course, focusing on the topic of the feminine heart and love. The alchemy is real.)
I could feel Keith's heart. From the moment I met him. A cultivated heart. My father had the potential for that heart. I'd even call it Christed. And my father's heart blackened instead.
Through the release of this Black Heart energy in these Appalachian grids this week, through the tobacco smoke clearing it out, I sense that maybe I can feel my own heart more closely again. And certainly with this gift of a second transmission this week, a Sacred Remembrance and deep felt sense of love has activated in my being.
A return to the non-situational realness of Union. The essence of it. Rather than the tiredness of a world perpetually seeking to attack Union and the Heart, I will be hopeful.
My heart, once again, more open.
When the masculine returns, in his heart, I will feel it. I will know it. Like in the days before separation.
I will hold that in my heart. I will hold his Christed heart in my heart and I will believe that this felt-sense is true.
After all, isn't that what we're here for? The return to Union? To hold he faith to heal separation?
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